I started out these posts with a separation of gender from sexuality, a distinction that isn't especially natural in that it's one that I've picked up from reading such postmodern gender theorists as Judith Butler. It's a distinction that allows for a more personal/individual sort of Identity than one that relies on the political categories of Lesbian/Gay which rely on who I desire rather than who I am. I still like the idea of Gender Ambiguity for myself, of being someone technically female who invades the space of masculinity when it means more to who I am than the space of femininity.
Of course this round of gender identity thoughts is coming at a time when, for the first time in a while, I have someone - and for the first time ever, a female someone - against whom I am defining that gender identity of mine. I said to her a few weeks ago that being with her feels more het than any relationship I've been in - like I was always trying to make my encounters with men feel like gay sex so I didn't lose my sense of internal boy energy - but being with someone with such a Strong Female energy is allowing me to explore the boy in me even while acknowledging that I'm also, fundamentally, a girl.
::takes a moment::
Finding myself in such a situation I'm also finding that Gender and Sexuality are meshing together again. The part of my brain that shies away from emotion as an unhelpful, irrational thing is telling me to pull back and try to find my gender position once again. Therefore, a bullet point list.
Truth:
* Trappings of gender expression ("this is what it is to be Male or Female," according to current social trends) are both the way in to what's Other and Desired, and also the way Out to reflect the new inner position.
* I pick and choose the pieces of masculine gender expression that fit me, and doing so allows me to break down the whole construction of Male or Female and really question what is necessary for either.
* I hide my body in baggy male-ish clothing. I am not ashamed of my body - I think it's a pretty damn hot one, actually - but I'm selective about who gets to see it. It's a filter that shields me from being perceived as something I'm not - typically female - and lets me be perceived as somewhat male, or at least to place my gender position in a place where people have to think about it. I got 'sirred' at work yesterday. This made me grin.
* Walking like a man but talking like a woman (because I don't have as much control over my voice as over my appearance) may open me to curiosity or ridicule or both at once. Some observers will accept the fluidity and others will pin me down in their own minds, which is their pergative. Prerogative. *g* All I can do is try to live comfortably within the ambiguity and be prepared for the questions Why.
* Butch is one thing; Boy is another. The boy in me isn't especially competitive, doesn't find Pacho Mosturing a natural thing, but he does want to protect his emotions from outside scrutiny and appear impenetrable and capable of protecting others. Also
* There is a dual temptation when thinking about these gender things:
1. Personalize IT too much: become (myself) the stereotype of Butch at the expense of challenging what Masculinity means to the world.
2. Generalize ME too much: dismiss the trappings of gender distinction as unnecessary because I happen to be comfortable within the fluidity that's somewhere in the middle without considering why the differences exist in the first place.
--- As with most things in this world, the truth (the best way) lies somewhere in between those two extremes.
