The First

NOTE: This is what might be considered my first real meaty post in Eloquent Protest, also made in 2007. My identity at the time could probably be described as genderqueer; although I know some people in a very similar place would call themselves 'transgender' I didn't claim that term until much more recently. The following is also slightly edited to remove lj-specific thingies.

Well, since that post I made the other night where I said I liked talking about gender and queerness and I want to do it more, I've been thinking long and hard about what I want to say in my first post on the gender filter. Then I realized that I should just break the ice that isn't really ice and just make the post happen so I stop over-analyzing it. So here are, collected, a few thoughts about me, and things I am and am not.

[Note]I may in these posts tend to ramble on and make references to things y'all don't have the background knowledge about my inside jokes and geekish friends to get. PLEASE feel free to comment and say whuh? and I will try to clarify.[/Note]

1. I'm not angry about my gender role. I don't feel oppressed by my lack of that elusive Male Privilege that feminist writers are always pointing too; I'm not filled with a hidden rage I need to scream to the sky. When I walk into a women's bathroom and somebody does a double-take, or when the security guy at the airport gets halfway through a pat-down and then turns away with a red face to call over a female security guard to do a gender-appropriate pat-down, it brings me great glee and, occasionally, fits of evil laughter. I like being different. It's part of my charm. *g*

2. I may express my gender in a somewhat nonstandard way by (sometimes) cutting my hair short and (almost always) wearing clothing designed for men; but then I live in the world of post-feminist urban America, and sometimes I find myself surrounded by people even more radical/liberal than I am. That's my space.

3. Though I feel some affinity with the transgendered community I'm not really part of it. I actually did go through a period where I contemplated transgendering myself - changing my name, 'passing' as male and all that good stuff; this lasted for a few months and never went further than some fairly extensive daydreaming. On that part of my inner journey (woo inner journeys), I felt a surge of affection for the masculine within me, when I wanted to meet my inner boy and see what he had to say. More recently I've come to believe that the more eloquent protest against certain gender boundaries with which I disagree is to be visibly a Woman who doesn't fit certain expectations so that I may further the ongoing expansion of what Woman means. (The specifics of these I'll get into at a later time. Promise.)

4. I haven't forgotten the aforementioned inner boy, and I still talk to him sometimes. I think I'll call him Daniel. Hiya, Daniel. (Hello.) He's adorable and emo and quirky, kind of like wee!Sammy watching Thundercats or that Ethan Hawke character from Dead Poet's Society.

5. Once, a few years ago, my S.O. of the time bought me a pretty good quality softpack; I wore it to Lupercalia that year. All my friends grinned at the bulge in my pants and squeezed my crotch. This filled me with a performer's glee at achieving a pleasant audience reaction. I haven't worn it since; now I keep it in a jar labeled "The Last Guy Who Fucked With Me". This makes me smile in an ev0l way.

6. I am a female: with a cunt that I keep trimmed but not shaved, and a pair of breasts that make up about a half a handful each; but first and foremost I am a human being. Welcome to my brain, y'all.